Why am I REALLY in Los Angeles….Gay Bear vs. Detective.

What kind of a world do we live in when a single prank phone call is considered an act of terrorism, resulting in a 4 month investigation by detectives?

I am talking, of course, about my own life.  Seriously.  I am the person that was harassed by detectives, threatened with terrorist charges, and subpoenaed by the assistant district attorney because someone, not me, made a prank call from my cell phone.

It all has to do with Sioux City’s selfish and closed minded city council.  A couple of years ago, the state of Iowa legalized gay marriage.  This upset the conservative, rigidly Christian, city council.  They made slanderous remarks about homosexuals and wasted tax payer money to exclude sexual orientation from the cities list of groups protected against discrimination.  They made the public statement that even though you legally could be gay and get married in Sioux City, the city does not approve or welcome you.

So, one of those councilmen received an anonymous voicemail.  The message was a man saying something about being a bear and gay anal sex.

It may not have been an appropriate voicemail, but certainly not an act of terrorism, on the part of the prank caller or the innocent person whose phone was used.

Yet there I was, in an interrogation room with a detective trying to play the “good cop” mind game, pretending that he thought the whole thing was stupid, and asking me questions that shouldn’t matter to the law, such as “What are your views on gay marriage,” and “Do you know what a bear is?”

He played the voicemail back to me off a poor quality handheld tape recorder, and I tried my best not to laugh; how was I supposed to take this serious? [Seriously?] He demanded that I tell him who the voice belonged to, and I honestly didn’t recognize the dude’s voice. I told him I wasn’t sure who did it but I might have an idea.  He said I better find out and get him the man’s name.

So I left the station and went about life as normal.  That is until about two weeks later when he called me back, asking why I haven’t called him with the person’s name.  I told him I didn’t know who did it, and that is when he threatened me.

“This is a very serious, Mindee.  If you do not help us find the person who made this call, you will be charged with aiding and abetting, and terrorism,” he threatened.

[Wait….Seriously?]

I went to a lawyer.  I told him the whole situation and he just laughed, telling me that I have nothing to worry about. I did nothing wrong and they are just trying to get information out of me.  This was a big relief, and once again I went back to life as normal.

Then, about two months later, I get a call from the detective.  He needed to meet up with me to serve me subpoena papers.

[Wait…. what the FUCK]

Back to the lawyer I go, who is in comical disbelief at seeing me again, and that the subpoena is being heard by the assistant district attorney, someone who usually only hears the most heinous of criminal cases.

The day of the subpoena, I entered a small room with my lawyer, the detective, and the assistant district attorney [And that note taking lady].  For almost two hours they probe into my personal life, getting the names of all my friends, where I work, what bands I am in, and questioning my personal beliefs.  They accused me of lying, and saying it’s not possible that I don’t know who did this. [Hey, I got a lot of friends, most of them slowly going insane, thanks to you Sioux City .]

They ask me how I could tell the detective that I might know who did it, but now I have no idea, and I respond with “Well, I thought I knew which of my friends would find this funny, but it turns out everyone thinks this is hilarious.”

This upset the detective, who responded by screaming “Anal sex is NOT FUNNY Miss Jorgensen!”  [OH MAN! Torture! , do you KNOW how hard it is not to laugh in that situation. This was REALITY man…] My lawyer later assured me that I am allowed to think anal sex is funny if I want- it’s a basic freedom the law can’t take away. [HA!]

Of course, it didn’t end after the subpoena.  The detective went to a show and began questioning my friends and band mates.  I felt harassed and violated.  I decided I could no longer live in this ass backwards city, put in my two weeks at work, and promptly moved to Los Angeles. I assumed that the LAPD has real crime to worry about other than a single prank call that jokingly accuses a homophobic of being gay..Image

Man…I hate shopping!

Man, I hate shopping.  I am so different than most women, who die for the chance to purchase bag fulls of uncomfortable high heels and fancy perfume.  Those women who can go into a store with no set item in mind, and come out with 20 different things.  I am not that kinda lady.

So this blog stems from the fact that I have ran 3 personal items into the ground, and need to get off my lazy butt, go to a store, and buy them.  First, a hair dryer.  Yes, I need one.  BUT…only because my bangs naturally lay in this ass backwards M shape. I have to use the power of hot air to keep from looking like I have a unicorn inspired hairstyle.  I have had my current one for about 4 years.  A while back I could still use it if I bent the cord just right. But sadly, it decided to shoot a spark at me the other day and now our time has come to part.

Next, I need a new damn purse or bag.  The strap broke after I had had it 5 years.  LAME-O.  It was such a good, durable purse.  I tied the strap through a hole in the fabric, but I have to retie it ALL THE TIME, and know this is something I really need to get on.  I was thinking “How do other women deal with this situation?’  Then I realized, they probably already bought 3 new purses before the one they usually use is anywhere near the end of its usefulness.  Blah.   This shopping need has been on my mind 2 months, and I have touched 0 bags so far.  My only attempted at shopping is glancing through windows to see if the store has a plain black, durable, canvas purse that is not super big and bulky.  Maybe I should just take up internet shopping? Then I could easily find exactly what I want, and not have to waste hours wandering through stores, looking for that perfect bag, which is never around.  Nowadays everything looks fake leather, or has beads and fancy things all attached.  You know those 20 pointless buttons that end up falling off within a week?   BLAH! BLAH I SAY!

That last thing I need to get. The most dreaded shopping of all….SHOE SHOPPING!  I HATE IT.  Firstly, because I have these rare shaped feet, that are more like the feet of a talk and skinny man.  Size 12 1/2 if I am trying for women shoes. AND if they have that size, they seem to assume that your feet are REALLY BIG, as in WIDE.  Mine, are not.  In fact, they are triple narrow. DAMN.  So its the usual men’s converse or running shoes.  Ask me if I have ever owned high heels.  HA! I laugh in your face.  They would be so wide I would slip to one side and fall on my face or twist my ankle or something.  UGH! Now I am just dreading shopping again.  Damn you blogging!