Surviving the year after losing the love of my life.
In 3 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of losing my love Manny. It still doesn’t feel real at times. I know part of me is still in shock. This past year is somewhat of a blur. How did I make it this far? A year of counting the days, weeks and months go by.
It was also a full year of painful firsts. My first Valentines Day without Manny, which was also the day he was cremated. My first 4th of July without him. July 6th was his first heavenly birthday, which we celebrated with a BBQ in his honor.
The 1st Halloween without Manny was a bittersweet one; it was also my last Holiday with Elvis. My friend Heidi and I took Elvis trick-or-treating in his stroller. He wasn’t his usual excited self and slept most of the time. Shortly after I had to make the painful decision to put Elvis to sleep peacefully at home. A decision I wasn’t supposed to make alone.
Elvis lived a full 10 months after Manny passed. This year is a blur but I know those 10 months were focused on loving and caring for Elvis as a single senior dog mom. It was not an easy task, but one that kept me occupied and gave me focus. It forced me out of bed on the hard days, and out into the sun. I took Elvis on park adventures, hikes, and strolls. I made sure his last days were filled with love and adventures.
Then it was the 1st Thanksgiving without Manny, and the 1st holiday without Elvis. I spent it with Manny’s family, just like I have in years past. I am blessed to still be a part of his family, but it was a hard holiday for us all.
My first birthday without Manny was November 30th. Manny always went out of his way to make me feel special on my birthday. I missed him so much this day. My birthday last year was the last time I saw his band live, and the last time we played together on stage.
Despite the emotions my birthday brought up, it was a wonderful day thanks to my many friends. I seriously could not have made it through this year without the support of my friends. One thing this tragedy has shown me is how many genuine friends I have in my life, and how much they love me.
I traveled to spend Christmas with my family at my sisters house. It helped to be out of LA spending time with my adorable nephews. It was a nice distraction, although I still felt the heartache of his absence.
I flew back on New Years Eve, and made it back to my apartment at 11pm. I thought I would be alright. That I would be tired from traveling all day (I was) and would just unpack and snuggle with the cats. About 10 minutes to midnight, a huge wave of panic hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want the year to end. It felt like it was putting more distance between me and the time when Manny was alive. I wen’t from saying “Manny passed away this year” to “Manny passed away last year” in the blink of an eye. There was also a touch of survivors guilt, that I lived to see 2024 and he didn’t.
We always spent NYE together. More recently, we would spend each NYE at home, and watch our neighborhood go crazy with fireworks at midnight. The sound of the fireworks celebrating the new year was like a punch in the gut that night. At least the fireworks drowned out the sound of my tears.
The only first left is the first anniversary of his passing. I can’t believe the resiliency it took to survive this year of painful firsts. I don’t think I am strong, I hate when people tell me that. I did what I had to to survive this painful loss, I had no choice.
There will be a memorial show for Manny on the anniversary of his passing, January 6th, at The Old Town Pub. His band The Richard Ramirez Beatdown will be playing with Altair on bass, and I will be joining them for a song. We are doing a Dangerously Sleazy song or two as well.
I appreciate everyone who has been keeping his memory alive this year, and please continue to as the years go by. I know I can never forget him.
Mindee Jorgensen 