grief

The Last of the Firsts

Mindee JorgensenLeave a comment

Surviving the year after losing the love of my life.

 

 In 3 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of losing my love Manny. It still doesn’t feel real at times. I know part of me is still in shock. This past year is somewhat of a blur. How did I make it this far? A year of counting the days, weeks and months go by.

  It was also a full year of painful firsts. My first Valentines Day without Manny, which was also the day he was cremated. My first 4th of July without him. July 6th was his first heavenly birthday, which we celebrated with a BBQ in his honor. 

 The 1st Halloween without Manny was a bittersweet one; it was also my last Holiday with Elvis. My friend Heidi and I took Elvis trick-or-treating in his stroller. He wasn’t his usual excited self and slept most of the time. Shortly after I had to make the painful decision to put Elvis to sleep peacefully at home. A decision I wasn’t supposed to make alone. 

Elvis lived a full 10 months after Manny passed. This year is a blur but I know those 10 months were focused on loving and caring for Elvis as a single senior dog mom. It was not an easy task, but one that kept me occupied and gave me focus. It forced me out of bed on the hard days, and out into the sun. I took Elvis on park adventures, hikes, and strolls. I made sure his last days were filled with love and adventures.

 Then it was the 1st Thanksgiving without Manny, and the 1st holiday without Elvis. I spent it with Manny’s family, just like I have in years past. I am blessed to still be a part of his family, but it was a hard holiday for us all.

 My first birthday without Manny was November 30th. Manny always went out of his way to make me feel special on my birthday. I missed him so much this day. My birthday last year was the last time I saw his band live, and the last time we played together on stage. 

 Despite the emotions my birthday brought up, it was a wonderful day thanks to my many friends. I seriously could not have made it through this year without the support of my friends. One thing this tragedy has shown me is how many genuine friends I have in my life, and how much they love me.

I traveled to spend Christmas with my family at my sisters house. It helped to be out of LA spending time with my adorable nephews. It was a nice distraction, although I still felt the heartache of his absence.

 I flew back on New Years Eve, and made it back to my apartment at 11pm. I thought I would be alright. That I would be tired from traveling all day (I was) and would just unpack and snuggle with the cats. About 10 minutes to midnight, a huge wave of panic hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want the year to end. It felt like it was putting more distance between me and the time when Manny was alive. I wen’t from saying “Manny passed away this year” to “Manny passed away last year” in the blink of an eye. There was also a touch of survivors guilt, that I lived to see 2024 and he didn’t. 

  We always spent NYE together. More recently, we would spend each NYE at home, and watch our neighborhood go crazy with fireworks at midnight. The sound of the fireworks celebrating the new year was like a punch in the gut that night. At least the fireworks drowned out the sound of my tears.

 The only first left is the first anniversary of his passing. I can’t believe the resiliency it took to survive this year of painful firsts. I don’t think I am strong, I hate when people tell me that. I did what I had to to survive this painful loss, I had no choice. 

 There will be a memorial show for Manny on the anniversary of his passing, January 6th, at The Old Town Pub. His band The Richard Ramirez Beatdown will be playing with Altair on bass, and I will be joining them for a song. We are doing a Dangerously Sleazy song or two as well.

 I appreciate everyone who has been keeping his memory alive this year, and please continue to as the years go by. I know I can never forget him.

The Last Popsicle

Mindee JorgensenLeave a comment

January 5th 2023 Manny walked down to the corner store to grab a beer as he did on so many nights, and came back with popsicles for us. He knows I love sweets and would often surprise me with treats. He ate his popsicle, but I wasn’t hungry and decided to save mine for the next day.

That next day turned out to be one of the worsts days of my life. I was in shock, panicked, distressed, traumatized and heartbroken. My love was gone. I left with Manny’s family to his grandma’s house where Elvis and I stayed, stopping back only to feed the cats. All the while that popsicle was sitting in the freezer.

A week later I returned to the apartment to spend the night in my bed, shower in my shower, and see if staying in the apartment was something I was ready to handle. It still felt comfortable, safe, and like home, but with a big piece missing. My own bed was soothing, despite the immense amount of tears falling on my pillow. I slept on Manny’s side of the bed because the pain of rolling over to him not being where he should be was unbearable.

Aside from sleeping, I had someone with me almost non-stop those first weeks. A rotation of close and caring friends that I am forever grateful for. They forced me to eat, cried with me, fed my pets and took out the trash. I could barely do the most simple of tasks. I was completely helpless and in survival mode, but without the drive to survive.

In my fridge sat the popsicle. The last treat Manny bought for me. A lot of people say they can’t imagine what it is like. Try to picture everything surrounding the person you love and share your life with is over in an instant without warning. No chance to say one more thing, give one more hug and kiss, or look forward to the future together. No more memories to be made, what you had is all you get. You frantically try to collect and store all the memories before they fade, as an excruciating reverse countdown starts. He was alive just yesterday…one week ago…2 weeks…one month…3 months…

That first month I could barely eat any food, let alone a popsicle. The second month it was a reminder of the sweet little things he would do for me. The third month it was some of the only food left in our kitchen that he had purchased. The popsicle “expires” in 2024, although there already seems to be a bit of ice forming on it. It was the final little gift from my love, but I can’t save it forever. People say things like “he would want you to be happy…” Well, I think that he probably would want me to eat the popsicle.

So, somewhere during this unexpected journey of sorrow I decided on a date to eat the popsicle. July 6th 2023. It is both his birthday, and exactly 6 months since his passing. Another milestone in the reverse countdown of grief.

This was when we went to Medieval Times for his Birthday.

The time is almost here. That date is less than a week away and the popsicle is waiting for me. I wonder if anyone else has ever been so emotional over a popsicle? The last few days I have been crying over it. Should I wait longer to eat it? Will I even be able to do it? It feels like a piece of him that is still here will be going away.

This is something I never would have imagined before being faced with this. Attaching enormous emotions and meaning to the smallest things. Saving socks and tooth brushes. Not cleaning that spot on the window that has his handprint on it. Not washing his pillows or the last shirt he wore. Not being able to throw away his shrimp ramen noodles, even though I hate shrimp.

It doesn’t get better with time, it gets different. Life is evolving around my grief but when a wave hits it stings as much as the first day. I am still able to enjoy the things that have always brought me joy- drumming, nature, hiking, music, friends, animals. Somedays I don’t cry at all. Most days I just have one little swell of tears. Somedays my plans are held hostage by the weeping. Today has been one of those days. It was because I looked in the freezer and saw that popsicle, a reminder that the 6 month mark is almost here.

Discussing our relationship. A clip from Dangerously Sleazy being interviewed on “Talking Neat,” a show where we tried fancy whiskeys during the interview. Watch the Full Interview on Youtube.

Maybe I am Overly Sensitive but…

Mindee Jorgensen2 Comments

Not even sure what to call this post. I try to not be too emotional on social media, try not to share too much of the heavy stuff. Obviously, losing Manny has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I acknowledge the pain and sadness, but mostly try to share positive and uplifting memories. There is no denying though that this has been a tornado of emotions beyond just grief and sadness. I thought I would blog about them, some of these harder emotions and waves/phases of grief. That way if you really want to hear about it, you have to come here and I am not forcing this heaviness upon you in your social media feed.

So, for now I want to start with something that I guess you would say really triggered me. A comment from a stranger that kinda shocked me. On one of my Instagram posts sharing some pictures of Manny and talking about how I miss him a random stranger decided to comment and ask what happened, while also throwing out their own assumption. Total stranger who doesn’t know Manny and doesn’t know me personally. Appears to be a drummer, probably follows me because of that. I do not follow him and no mutual friends.

His comment “Sorry to hear about your loss. He looks very young, as do you! Do you mind me asking what happened? Was he unhappy?”

Ok, so mostly seems supportive, and was polite in his asking, but then the “Was he unhappy” is what really upset me. Not just anger, but a whole flood of emotions.

Why ask what happened and then follow it was “Was he unhappy?” which is basically asking if it was suicide, right? Like why even throw that in there? It’s like you asked what happened but seems like you already painted a picture in your mind. I didn’t even respond.

No, he wasn’t sad and no it wasn’t suicide. BUT…I did lose my mother to suicide and so that comment hit hard and agitated me. I was offended and shocked someone would ask a stranger that. Why would you just assume that anyway? Just because he is young? Why even ask it that way? If it was a suicide loss, how do you think that would make a person feel, being asked that question that way. And if it was a suicide, it is none of your business unless someone decides that they want to share that detail. I don’t think that is a question that should be asked directly to anyone.

BTW depression isn’t just “Sadness” you know. It is more feeling like a burden and hopeless and just a gut wrenching pain that is both physical and mental, and completely reality distorting. It is hiding your pain with a smile and not letting anyone know the depths of torment you feel within your soul.

Yes, I could be overreacting, and I know he meant no harm, probably thought he was being kind and supportive. Just one of those things that has been eating at me since I saw it, and I needed to put it out there.

My opinion is that politely asking how someone passed is fine, but it is up to that person if they want to share those details. Assuming anything, especially if you don’t personally know them, is rude. What do you think?

Now is the Time for Compassion, Not Judgement

Mindee Jorgensen1 Comment

Now is the time for compassion, not judgement.

Trigger warning- depression…

The world has changed with COVID-19. Individual lives have been affected and the world as a whole. With the severe changes and the extreme methods used to combat the virus, another legitimate health threat is looming for many of us. Depression.

It always feels like you are the only one, and the isolation makes it worse. I know that if I am battling it right now many others are suffering too, some very silently.

Please remember depression is a sickness that, like the virus, can result in death. They say up to 200,000 Americans may die of COVID-19. In 2018, there were 48,300 suicide deaths. As it is now for every 4 people who die from Corona 1 person will die of suicide this year. That number is sure to rise as a result of the current circumstances too.

Depression is hard to acknowledge and talk about. Everyone wants to stay positive in this, and believe me I do too. Some people are good at reaching out for help but many hide it, afraid to annoy people with their unpleasant feelings.

There are also things very well meaning people say, unaware that it does more harm than good. These things can be damaging. People with depression, trauma, and anxiety already have hyper-vigilant nervous systems and even small remarks said in the wrong way can seem detrimental.

The first is trying to push positivity upon depression. “Hey, just cheer up.” “It will all be ok.” “You are worrying over nothing. ” “You just need to have a positive attitude.” “Let’s all smile.”

You can not just tell a person to be happy, especially with depression or grief. It makes the person feel isolated in their feelings and wrong to have them. There is a lot of guilt of emotions with depression. “If everyone else can just cheer themselves up why can’t I?”

We need to acknowledge the fact that there are many people battling harsh emotions now. We can not deny that the country is also dealing with a mental health crisis. It is unhealthy and detrimental to not confront this publicly.

It is OK to be sad or depressed. It is OK to need to talk about it. It is OK to express these feelings. Don’t expect people to be able to just put on a happy face during this time.

The next thing please do not compare a person with depression’s situation to others. Like pointing out that other people have it worse. It is minimizing the person and they perceive it as their feelings are invalid, or they are selfish just for having them.

I am seeing a lot of this with the current situation. “Lot’s of people lost their jobs, not just you.” “We are all stuck inside.” “Many people have it worse.”

This can isolate depression and grief and cause guilt for expressing their feelings.

Another really big one, that has been prevalent in the recent situation, is people trying to force gratitude on others. One step further, I am seeing people judging others for a perceived lack of gratitude.

Don’t tell someone else they are wrong because you don’t think they are grateful enough. Do the people who are doing this even realize how rude it is, or how much damage their remarks can do to someone with depression?

“Well at least you have a home.” “You have food and wi-fi so you have no reason to complain.” “Why are you sad you should be grateful of what you do have.” “Your house is comfortable you are selfish for not being grateful.” “How can you complain about losing your job when you have shelter and food, what is wrong with you?’

A person with depression can feel they have no right to any negative emotions, that their pain is not legitimate. These remarks make them feel like their reason for feeling down, sad, shocked, anxious isn’t “bad” enough, so there must be something wrong with them if they have those feelings. It is emphasizing to a person already feeling like a burden that they really are damaged.

Depression is not a lack of gratitude, and gratitude is not the cure for depression. It is actually one of the many coping skills I personally combine to navigate my depression. I do have many things to be grateful for, and I am, but the depression is still there. It helps, but is not as simple as that.

You can be grateful of what you have and still be sad or in pain. Those are natural human emotions.

It still hurts to lose your job. It is a shock to your system when most of your ways of coping and treatment disappear almost overnight.

My personal coping with depression involves medicine and therapy.

It also involves sticking to a sleep schedule and getting at least 7 hours a night. It involves keeping my life as low stress as possible and having the security of a job for the income and purpose to get out of bed. It involves meditation and yoga routines, jogging, hiking and getting time in nature. Expressing my emotions by playing music, and the important connection of playing with others. Playing the drums is my zen zone and vital to my well-being. It actually takes a lot of time, effort, money and sacrifice for me to live healthily with depression.

Please remember depression is a legitimate illness. It is not a lack of positive thinking and it is not a lack of gratitude. It is medical condition and is treated with a mix of different coping skills, medicines, therapy, ect.

It also isn’t just “being sad.” Often it is a lack of emotions, apathy about living, constant numbness. It has physical symptoms too, like your limbs feel like weights you can hardly lift, and getting out of bed can seem impossible. Standing in the shower hurts. It can take so much effort to do the smallest tasks. Living itself is simply painful.

When I am in moderate depression I will gain a couple pounds and get lazy, over eat sugar, sleep too much and cry.

However, when I am in severe depression I lose weight because I loose my appetite, I can’t eat or sleep well, and I also loose any interest in life and the things I normally enjoy. I can’t cry, I feel detached.

After I lost my job I was staying so mentally positive, looking on the bright side, being mindful and staying grateful.  I was counting my blessings and reminding myself that I will be ok.

I also noticed I wasn’t sleeping, I was not eating much, and I was losing weight fast. I disassociated from the emotions of losing my job, hiking, and live music, the sudden financial stress, and I focused on the positive, but still my body was in depression.

About a week later the pain welled up to the point I couldn’t repress it anymore and BAM!!! I cried for 2 like days, and that was OK people, because it does hurt to loose your job, your ability to play music with people, hugs, and all the associated stress of this situation. It is OK to have negative feelings at times like these. It is OK to cry and express pain. It is OK to have conversations that are not all positive and bright.

Those tough conversations are needed right now for many people.  People need to express their pain right now, not hide it for fear of being judged for it.

I am strong and my awareness of my illness, my medication, and my daily routines help me so much. But other people suffering right now may not have these support systems. Some people suffering right now may not even be aware what they are feeling is depression. Also, many people are also dealing with grief at this point in time.

So, to anyone who is judging sad and grieving people, depressed people, or people voicing their hardships at the current situation for not being grateful enough, that isn’t what is needed right now.

Instead of telling people what they should be grateful for, trying telling them why you are grateful for them. That is something many people need to hear right now. Let people know why they are important to this world.

Reach out to a friend and really ask how they are doing if you think they are having trouble. Reach out to friends you may never even think are having trouble too. Many of us are great at hiding our depression, we have been doing it for years.

Please listen to each other and be compassionate and understanding at this time.