Not even sure what to call this post. I try to not be too emotional on social media, try not to share too much of the heavy stuff. Obviously, losing Manny has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I acknowledge the pain and sadness, but mostly try to share positive and uplifting memories. There is no denying though that this has been a tornado of emotions beyond just grief and sadness. I thought I would blog about them, some of these harder emotions and waves/phases of grief. That way if you really want to hear about it, you have to come here and I am not forcing this heaviness upon you in your social media feed.
So, for now I want to start with something that I guess you would say really triggered me. A comment from a stranger that kinda shocked me. On one of my Instagram posts sharing some pictures of Manny and talking about how I miss him a random stranger decided to comment and ask what happened, while also throwing out their own assumption. Total stranger who doesn’t know Manny and doesn’t know me personally. Appears to be a drummer, probably follows me because of that. I do not follow him and no mutual friends.
His comment “Sorry to hear about your loss. He looks very young, as do you! Do you mind me asking what happened? Was he unhappy?”
Ok, so mostly seems supportive, and was polite in his asking, but then the “Was he unhappy” is what really upset me. Not just anger, but a whole flood of emotions.
Why ask what happened and then follow it was “Was he unhappy?” which is basically asking if it was suicide, right? Like why even throw that in there? It’s like you asked what happened but seems like you already painted a picture in your mind. I didn’t even respond.
No, he wasn’t sad and no it wasn’t suicide. BUT…I did lose my mother to suicide and so that comment hit hard and agitated me. I was offended and shocked someone would ask a stranger that. Why would you just assume that anyway? Just because he is young? Why even ask it that way? If it was a suicide loss, how do you think that would make a person feel, being asked that question that way. And if it was a suicide, it is none of your business unless someone decides that they want to share that detail. I don’t think that is a question that should be asked directly to anyone.
BTW depression isn’t just “Sadness” you know. It is more feeling like a burden and hopeless and just a gut wrenching pain that is both physical and mental, and completely reality distorting. It is hiding your pain with a smile and not letting anyone know the depths of torment you feel within your soul.
Yes, I could be overreacting, and I know he meant no harm, probably thought he was being kind and supportive. Just one of those things that has been eating at me since I saw it, and I needed to put it out there.
My opinion is that politely asking how someone passed is fine, but it is up to that person if they want to share those details. Assuming anything, especially if you don’t personally know them, is rude. What do you think?
youre not being sensitive. that was a very insensitive on their part. im thankful to you for shating something so intimate and personal. I was just brought to tears by your description of depression in the last paragraph because I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. I appreciate your efforts to be open about these things and even offering This blog.
What happened? How did he pass?