loss

The Last of the Firsts

Mindee JorgensenLeave a comment

Surviving the year after losing the love of my life.

 

 In 3 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of losing my love Manny. It still doesn’t feel real at times. I know part of me is still in shock. This past year is somewhat of a blur. How did I make it this far? A year of counting the days, weeks and months go by.

  It was also a full year of painful firsts. My first Valentines Day without Manny, which was also the day he was cremated. My first 4th of July without him. July 6th was his first heavenly birthday, which we celebrated with a BBQ in his honor. 

 The 1st Halloween without Manny was a bittersweet one; it was also my last Holiday with Elvis. My friend Heidi and I took Elvis trick-or-treating in his stroller. He wasn’t his usual excited self and slept most of the time. Shortly after I had to make the painful decision to put Elvis to sleep peacefully at home. A decision I wasn’t supposed to make alone. 

Elvis lived a full 10 months after Manny passed. This year is a blur but I know those 10 months were focused on loving and caring for Elvis as a single senior dog mom. It was not an easy task, but one that kept me occupied and gave me focus. It forced me out of bed on the hard days, and out into the sun. I took Elvis on park adventures, hikes, and strolls. I made sure his last days were filled with love and adventures.

 Then it was the 1st Thanksgiving without Manny, and the 1st holiday without Elvis. I spent it with Manny’s family, just like I have in years past. I am blessed to still be a part of his family, but it was a hard holiday for us all.

 My first birthday without Manny was November 30th. Manny always went out of his way to make me feel special on my birthday. I missed him so much this day. My birthday last year was the last time I saw his band live, and the last time we played together on stage. 

 Despite the emotions my birthday brought up, it was a wonderful day thanks to my many friends. I seriously could not have made it through this year without the support of my friends. One thing this tragedy has shown me is how many genuine friends I have in my life, and how much they love me.

I traveled to spend Christmas with my family at my sisters house. It helped to be out of LA spending time with my adorable nephews. It was a nice distraction, although I still felt the heartache of his absence.

 I flew back on New Years Eve, and made it back to my apartment at 11pm. I thought I would be alright. That I would be tired from traveling all day (I was) and would just unpack and snuggle with the cats. About 10 minutes to midnight, a huge wave of panic hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want the year to end. It felt like it was putting more distance between me and the time when Manny was alive. I wen’t from saying “Manny passed away this year” to “Manny passed away last year” in the blink of an eye. There was also a touch of survivors guilt, that I lived to see 2024 and he didn’t. 

  We always spent NYE together. More recently, we would spend each NYE at home, and watch our neighborhood go crazy with fireworks at midnight. The sound of the fireworks celebrating the new year was like a punch in the gut that night. At least the fireworks drowned out the sound of my tears.

 The only first left is the first anniversary of his passing. I can’t believe the resiliency it took to survive this year of painful firsts. I don’t think I am strong, I hate when people tell me that. I did what I had to to survive this painful loss, I had no choice. 

 There will be a memorial show for Manny on the anniversary of his passing, January 6th, at The Old Town Pub. His band The Richard Ramirez Beatdown will be playing with Altair on bass, and I will be joining them for a song. We are doing a Dangerously Sleazy song or two as well.

 I appreciate everyone who has been keeping his memory alive this year, and please continue to as the years go by. I know I can never forget him.

The Last Popsicle

Mindee JorgensenLeave a comment

January 5th 2023 Manny walked down to the corner store to grab a beer as he did on so many nights, and came back with popsicles for us. He knows I love sweets and would often surprise me with treats. He ate his popsicle, but I wasn’t hungry and decided to save mine for the next day.

That next day turned out to be one of the worsts days of my life. I was in shock, panicked, distressed, traumatized and heartbroken. My love was gone. I left with Manny’s family to his grandma’s house where Elvis and I stayed, stopping back only to feed the cats. All the while that popsicle was sitting in the freezer.

A week later I returned to the apartment to spend the night in my bed, shower in my shower, and see if staying in the apartment was something I was ready to handle. It still felt comfortable, safe, and like home, but with a big piece missing. My own bed was soothing, despite the immense amount of tears falling on my pillow. I slept on Manny’s side of the bed because the pain of rolling over to him not being where he should be was unbearable.

Aside from sleeping, I had someone with me almost non-stop those first weeks. A rotation of close and caring friends that I am forever grateful for. They forced me to eat, cried with me, fed my pets and took out the trash. I could barely do the most simple of tasks. I was completely helpless and in survival mode, but without the drive to survive.

In my fridge sat the popsicle. The last treat Manny bought for me. A lot of people say they can’t imagine what it is like. Try to picture everything surrounding the person you love and share your life with is over in an instant without warning. No chance to say one more thing, give one more hug and kiss, or look forward to the future together. No more memories to be made, what you had is all you get. You frantically try to collect and store all the memories before they fade, as an excruciating reverse countdown starts. He was alive just yesterday…one week ago…2 weeks…one month…3 months…

That first month I could barely eat any food, let alone a popsicle. The second month it was a reminder of the sweet little things he would do for me. The third month it was some of the only food left in our kitchen that he had purchased. The popsicle “expires” in 2024, although there already seems to be a bit of ice forming on it. It was the final little gift from my love, but I can’t save it forever. People say things like “he would want you to be happy…” Well, I think that he probably would want me to eat the popsicle.

So, somewhere during this unexpected journey of sorrow I decided on a date to eat the popsicle. July 6th 2023. It is both his birthday, and exactly 6 months since his passing. Another milestone in the reverse countdown of grief.

This was when we went to Medieval Times for his Birthday.

The time is almost here. That date is less than a week away and the popsicle is waiting for me. I wonder if anyone else has ever been so emotional over a popsicle? The last few days I have been crying over it. Should I wait longer to eat it? Will I even be able to do it? It feels like a piece of him that is still here will be going away.

This is something I never would have imagined before being faced with this. Attaching enormous emotions and meaning to the smallest things. Saving socks and tooth brushes. Not cleaning that spot on the window that has his handprint on it. Not washing his pillows or the last shirt he wore. Not being able to throw away his shrimp ramen noodles, even though I hate shrimp.

It doesn’t get better with time, it gets different. Life is evolving around my grief but when a wave hits it stings as much as the first day. I am still able to enjoy the things that have always brought me joy- drumming, nature, hiking, music, friends, animals. Somedays I don’t cry at all. Most days I just have one little swell of tears. Somedays my plans are held hostage by the weeping. Today has been one of those days. It was because I looked in the freezer and saw that popsicle, a reminder that the 6 month mark is almost here.

Discussing our relationship. A clip from Dangerously Sleazy being interviewed on “Talking Neat,” a show where we tried fancy whiskeys during the interview. Watch the Full Interview on Youtube.